Running
by chelseyb
Summary: Married people should be happy. New parents should be happy. War heroes should be happy. And if you're all three of those, you should be happy. You shouldn't be running. Post-war, AU. Oneshot. Rating for language & adult situations.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything related to the world of Harry Potter, nor do I own any song by Molotov Jukebox.

**Author's Note:** Just a fair warning that you're about to see a beloved character make some very bad choices. And gratuitous use of the f-bomb. Not that I think this would ever actually happen.

This takes place after DH. Lupin & Tonks both survived the Final Battle.

* * *

><p>"<em>Human nature has this way of running away when it should stay." – "Sex Foot" by Molotov Jukebox<em>

**Running**

You're supposed to be happy.

Of course, George is supposed to be a twin and your son is supposed to have a grandfather and you're supposed to be the one who fucking kills Bellatrix. Mum tells you "We can't have everything, Nymphadora" when you whinge in the toy store about how you just _have_ to have the newest toy broomstick. You learn the truth of her statement an infinite amount of times over as you grow up. You can't fucking have everything.

But really, married people should be happy. New parents should be happy. War heroes should be happy. And if you're all three of those, you should be happy.

Of course, you're also supposed to be loyal. Just and loyal, unafraid of toil, all that Hufflepuff shite ring a bell? What a fucking joke. You tell Charlie that even though you aren't together anymore you will love him forever when he leaves for Romania, but by the time he comes home a year later, your heart has moved on. You work for the Ministry, yet you have no problem passing secrets on to the Order and making up lies about sick family members when it's simply that you are so fucking tired from staying up all night on guard duty. You tell Remus "till death do us part" and unless you're planning on dropping dead at the age of twenty-seven ...

But there's Teddy. Fuck. Not that you don't love him. Teddy is _perfect_. Teddy morphs just like you. Teddy makes your heart beat and your world go round and your hair turn pink. Teddy deserves to have both parents there at the same time. Or does Teddy deserve parents who cuddle up together at night instead of sleeping on opposite sides of the mattress?

Remus. You spend more than a year running after him, and now you just want to run away. His gray hair used to make him look mature, but now it just makes him look old. His amber eyes used to be haunted, but now they're just tired. His silence used to be the perfect complement to your volume, but now you want his mouth to say what his eyes already do. His conscientiousness used to be endearing, but now you wish that sometimes he would just ignore you when you say "not tonight" and hold your hands above your head and fuck you with a passion you've never experienced.

With him, anyway.

It's not his fault. You love the thrill of the chase, the running, the challenge, and that's why you always choose the ones you can't have. The Head Boy who would rather deduct points? His brother, with plans of going to Romania? The married instructor during your Auror training? The bloke from Flourish and Blotts who is probably gay? Your fucking second cousin whom your bosses said you should arrest on sight? His best friend, the self-pitying werewolf? You don't even go on a date with half of them, but you enjoy the chase all the same.

Maybe everyone is right when they say you shouldn't get married. Maybe it isn't the fact that Remus is unemployed and a werewolf and you only date for a few weeks. Maybe it's that you're never able to sustain a relationship, that you lose interest once he becomes yours. Maybe you aren't the fucking marrying type. But this chase is particularly exhilarating, and it costs you your powers for nearly a year, and it requires a full-blown confession of love in front of half the Order and a bunch of gawking teenagers, and so you'll be damned if you're not going to enjoy the prize.

"I, Nymphadora, take thee, Remus ..."

And then you're pregnant, and he leaves, and fuck him. Who fucking leaves his knocked up wife? When he comes back, you yell until you're hoarse and throw things until the room is empty and then oh shit it's off to the loo as the kid reminds you he's still in there. Remus sleeps on the sofa for weeks until you get lonely (let's be honest, you just really want a fuck) and then he's back in your bed. Teddy arrives and for a brief period you are perfectly happy because he gave you your Teddy.

"If you ever pull a fucking stunt like that again ..."

After the war it's work all day, come home to a crying baby and a meal prepared by the only adult in this house who can cook without burning down the kitchen. Teddy gets all your love and jumped-up Death Eaters get all your passion and so Remus just gets sex when you feel like it. He doesn't complain because he still doesn't believe he deserves you. Except for when you hold your baby, happiness is a distant memory. Sometimes you wish he would leave again because then he'll be the bad one, he'll be the one who broke your family. But he learns his lesson the first time and the good part of you, the part that is a mum (who would have thought you'd make a damn good mother?), is grateful because Teddy deserves a father. That's why you can't take Teddy and go. The selfish part of you despairs and instigates because you can't run.

"Just run away then! You did it before!"

When someone from your past comes home, it's just drinks. Just drinks between old friends. It's a full moon and Teddy's at your mum's for the night, so one drink becomes two and two becomes four and four becomes slurred words and uneven walking and inappropriately close dancing. And dancing turns into touching and kissing and groping. And then it's ripped buttons and your back slammed against a wall and "Oh fuck, that's good!" In the morning he tells you he's sorry, you were both far too drunk, and please let's never speak of this again. You let him think it's his fault because it takes the guilt off you, and you push him out the door.

"Go back to your dragons, Charlie. You were always good at that."

When Remus comes home, Teddy in his arms, you take one look at them and promptly lose your breakfast all over the floor. You stay in bed all day and he takes care of his poor sick wife and you wish he would just go the fuck away because you can't stand the shame. And then some time later your husband is thrusting into you and you shout the wrong name at your climax. Shit. He quietly asks you what happened, and you tell him. He's so fucking calm, and you want him to scream at you because this kind of anger is foreign and scary. He leaves for two days and Teddy asks for his daddy and you cry because you fucked everything up. When he comes back he says you'll work it out, and you promise to try. For Teddy, you mean it.

"I'll never do it again, Remus. I promise."

So what the fuck happens to that promise? Apparently it goes the way of your wedding vows. It doesn't take long for everything to go back to work all day, play with your son all evening, and pretend to be asleep when Remus comes to bed at night. Again, happiness is all but gone. You're fire, and your embers need to be stoked. Remus is water, deep, calm, strong water, and he just douses your flames. The idea that opposites attract is a crock of dragon shite.

"If you're mad, fucking tell me, Remus."

And then the Auror trainee you're working with tells you he broke up with his girlfriend, and the chase is on. It's harmless – a little flirting, a little touching, nothing more. And fuck if it's not a damn good challenge. He's seven years younger, a coworker, someone you and Remus have known for years, someone with a unique relationship to your family. So maybe you find extra reasons to brush against him and maybe your training clothes are a little tighter and maybe you let him win when you duel. And maybe you have sex on the middle of the training room floor. Shit.

"Forget about it. It was only a one-off."

Once is a mistake. Twice is a pattern. Three times is a habit, and four, five, countless is an affair. You stare in the mirror afterwards and hate what you see. Whore. Slut. Homewrecker. Cheater. Liar. Remus suspects. His eyes say he knows, but his mouth says, "How was your day?" Fine. Uneventful. Illicit sex on top of your desk as you throw your head back and positively howl at how good you feel, how alive you are. Oh yeah. That. To everyone else you are the perfect family. When you prod your mother to date again, she says she can't imagine being with anyone but Ted, and could you ever see yourself with anyone besides Remus? Never. Not every fucking day of your life.

"Of course not, Mum."

Then he tells you he can't do it anymore. He can't be a part of breaking up his godson's family. He was the one who sent Remus back when you were pregnant, and he was the one who sent him back after Charlie, and now he's sending you back. And he's returning to Ginny. You're running after him again, but this time you find yourself in the unusual position of begging him to stay with you. You can't go back to your old life. You need the outlet. But he's firm.

"Harry, I don't want this to end. Please!"

So you go home to your husband, go home to an empty life, and he chooses that moment to confront you. Why deny it? He packs his bag, and you watch silently. It's not until he packs Teddy's bag that you realize what is happening. This is it. This is the end. He can't take your son. It's his son, too, he reminds you, and you're the one who fucked up, so you're the one who gets left behind. And you're running out the door after him, causing a scene in the middle of the street.

"Remus, we can fix this!"

Isn't this what you want? Don't you want to be free of your husband? Don't you know that he loves Teddy as much as you do and can't leave him? But he'll be back, you're sure. He always comes back. He's a good father, and a good father will bring his son back to his mother. And _this_ time, you won't fuck it up. He'll be back, and you will deal with him for Teddy's sake. You know you'll do it right _this_ time. No more running. And he does come back, and Teddy's in your arms again, and every night as you lay next to Remus you remind yourself that this is what a family is. This is all you get. No more running. You won't. You can't. No more.

You're supposed to be happy. Aren't you?


End file.
